#107: measure

so it’s the night before classes start at Yale and… it’s also time for release of results for the past semester. and i swear, i was so confident this time bc i’ve been performing well and working hard but.. i guess i just bombed finals. my cap fell by like 0.02 which doesn’t seem like a lot but.. it just means that i am / have been approaching my stagnation point of a b+ and

i just dont want to think thats the best i can do. like yeah sure numbers dont matter and your grades shouldnt define you but it just really feels like absolute shit when you work ur ass off for 3 mods and slack on 1 but u end up having similar grades for them all anyway

and i just dont know how to trust myself like idk if working hard even helps or works at this point and i am so, so tired i just

don’t really feel like working anymore But I Have To!!! otherwise how will my cap ever improve.

maybe this just isnt

what im meant to be good at maybe studying isnt my jam academia isnt my jam but the path i’m on right now leads me right there and nowhere else really what if i can’t get into a good grad school what if i just —

i just never wanted to be a disappointment and increasingly it feels like that’s all i’ll ever be. i hope i can look back on this post/moment in a sem, in a year, and feel like it was my wake up moment where i learned how to be better how to do better but honestly i dont know how to get there and i am scared.

here’s to a better junior year? it better improve from here la or else i’m fucking screwed for senior yr l o l kill me




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