#101: trust

i am made of bullets; shrapnel
you are solar flares
and soft lips


better creatures could love you, i know
but now, they’ll have to
get through me.
(x)

hello friends

or whoever’s still reading this??

i’ve actually been struggling a lot more to keep my sanity this month, and i finally decided to talk to my mother about needing Help again, and seeing Joel again maybe. last sem was good, or rather it was just too busy that my brain was always preoccupied with being busy and having things!! to!! do!! all the damn time so i had no time for awful intrusive thoughts. but this sem being a lot freer or rather just not having one gigantic project to stress over has left a lot of empty space in my brain for this mess to fill and it’s just

gotten a bit out of control.

and yes, c has been absolutely lovely with handling this she’s been an absolute saint trying to help with everything she can but patience runs out eventually and i don’t want to push her there i don’t want to run the risk of letting this whole thing break down so

i have decided to go see joel again. i’ll talk to him, and see if once is enough to purge it all from my system or if i need regular sessions or if i might need to go on medication for a while because goddamn i cannot stand this noise anymore i haven’t thought this hard about wanting to drag a knife over my wrists in years and now it’s all my brain can sit still on

i want to trust that things will be okay – with myself, with c, with everything in my life that’s going to be changing really, really fast soon but.

some part of me just can’t do that la and it really frustrates me

i’m sick of this pit in my stomach that opens up at the slightest shift in the wind and

AAAAAAA i just want to be normal i just want to be functional and happy and just

not struggling to keep it together all the time

it just takes more effort than i am capable of to keep my brain quiet and functional simultaneously

and she deserves more than this

and i deserve more too.

so. here’s to being less scared of seeking help. and to making things work.

x Nat.

she’s got her secrets
yeah, i’ve got mine too
i don’t care about what you did
only care about what we do
dirty laundry looks good on you

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