#100: eden

her lips and bad behavior
oh, i’m in danger

wowie i can’t believe i’ve hit 100 posts already (well technically i’ve passed it la but some of the posts are private/un-numbered because no content)

i think i am just floating in this hazy mess that is my head because on one hand my brain is taking all my free time to just Feel Sad but i have been so so happy with c like –
this morning we woke up and cuddled for a while and i was Happy like warm-radiating-through-my-body kind of happy and then as my brain started to wake up and we were doing our own things i started sinking into this strange anxious-sad-angry headspace. my chest was all tight and i was upset at myself for being upset and a little upset at her for not noticing even though i was trying fucking hard not to let her notice ???? an d i was just so frustrated at my own head/feelings i just decided to shut up but then we decided to leave for lunch and i just started crying. spontaneously. idek what’s happening in my head

and yes there was a day c jokingly said i could pick between re-coloring my hair and going to see Joel and she’d sponsor one of them and i laughed and said they were both ridiculous and unnecessary but –
i am beginning to think that it might be a good idea to see him, after all.

i really really just want to sort out my head and be stable/happier so that it’s less of a risk/problem in our relationship like. us being upset individually feeds into a spiral that just makes us both sadder and sadder and i just want her to be happy because she deserves that and so much more and 

i want to give that to her and i want to believe that i am good no not good i want to be the best for her but i am v v scared that i’m not.

but it’s okay it still makes me incandescently happy that we can talk about things in the long-term like we’re both promising this idea of forever together without the commitment making either of us turn tail and run. it’s nice to feel happy and safe with someone. i really, really don’t think i’ve had this sense of stability at all in any of my past relationships and it is new and scary but so so nice. why do people play games when instead you can think about building a life together?

and yes things are difficult sometimes and that’s not going to go away but like i was telling haz (was it hazi? i’m not sure) – maybe love isn’t meant to be easy. maybe love is about the magic of overcoming all these obstacles together and finding that you’re still happy and whole at the end of it all.

i used to wish that if things were meant to be, they’d be easy when i was with p but i don’t think that’s a meaningful way to think about it anymore. instead, i wish that we have the strength to weather storms without letting them tear us apart.

okokok that’s enough emotional rambling.

seeing chicago together at mbs and living like ballers for one night was really lovely, and i’m glad we’re finally going to see the biennale exhibition at the Singapore Art Museum + have tacos at duxton tomorrow 🙂 it’s going to be a lovely recess week bc many dates!!! who says couples get bored together after a while u just have to find things to do and ways to spice things up 🙂

x Nat.

But one kiss levitates above all the others. The intersection
     of function and desire. The I do kiss.
The I’ll love you through a brick wall kiss. Even when
     I’m dead, I’ll swim through the earth
like a mermaid of the soil, just to be next to your bones.


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