#097: irrationality

the worst kind of feeling upset is when you know it’s just completely irrational or unjustified.

like, i know that maybe if i met him or gave him a shot i would either a) have this unsettling feeling dissolved or b) have more legitimate reasons for not wanting you to interact with him but

that really isn’t the problem here

and it isn’t even that i’m jealous or anything because¬†nothing could possibly happen between you two i’d be better off being jealous of mel or colleen or something else like wtf

it’s just that he as a person (in whatever you’ve described to me thus far) just make me feel super uneasy and i just. don’t. like him. and i know you trust him and enjoy his company and it really would be unfair for me to tell you to stop seeing him but i’m not going to lie and tell you i’m okay with it when i’m not – that’s just fuel for me to keep harboring this seed of discontent and i don’t want to be dishonest about my feelings with you. anyway/


i just. don’t understand why this happens why my brain is just rejecting the possibility that maybe,¬†just maybe he’s a decent person. i feel the pressing need to talk to joel or shuang about this – talk to people who would really understand how this fucking disorder just messes with the way i see people and their relationships and i just.

i want this to stop i want to be reasonable and happy and not have this be something that causes me to borderline meltdown in the middle of a class i really love.


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