#096: hourglass

o jesus my last post was right before the nightmare of soph year sem 1 began and… it’s already halfway into the first week of sem 2.

i guess i haven’t been writing much here because a) i’ve barely had the time and b) so much keeps happening and i just haven’t really found the time/need to sit down and write again until now

life is… different. i started sem 1 fresh out of a relationship that i honestly thought was going to last and i was trying to find my own footing and get comfortable being me, alone, on this campus without him. but obviously, god never sends you good things when you’re asking for them but surprises you at some other random time instead so.. i met someone. and she’s been nothing short of wonderful – she is patience and kindness and home but also excitement and adventure all wrapped up in one beautiful girl and i wouldn’t trade this for the world.

it hasn’t been very long but that’s what they say, right? forever shouldn’t feel like forever. it should feel like no time has passed at all and

i am just happy to be happy.

still there’s that awful saying about how being sad’s okay because things can always get better but if you’re already happy you just have so much to lose (i think it was from alison raskin on this video) and i have been so scared of losing what i’ve found in the past couple of months that the fear has driven me half-crazy.

and c, you were right. it’s awful living constantly in fear because i’m not enjoying the little things as much as i could be while they’re happening and i swear, i swear i’ll try to be better. but there’s this thing –

I was living in fear that people I loved, if I allowed them to do things on their own or to spend time away from me, would stop loving me and would leave me.  They’d “see the light,” I was sure, and not come back.  This terrified me, and of course it was a distorted, extreme thought based on past, very painful experiences.  I sat there and imagined how horrible it would feel if they left me.

The one and ONLY way I overcame this aspect of suffering was to actually experience, in increasing amounts of time, separation from loved ones.  I needed to see that they would come back.  In order to do that, I needed to give them the opportunity to go somewhere first. (x)

and i am so scared that if i let you go you won’t come back. i know i need to trust that this either works out or it doesn’t instead of trying to micromanage every tiny moment but there aren’t enough grains of sand in our hourglass yet for me to fight the urge to pick up and polish every one.

i am so scared that i’m counting the grains because i don’t want them to run out and that you don’t bother because you know they will and i really want that to just be paranoia.

still. i will try. i will trust in this, in you, in us.

thank you for not running.

this is a good thing.

here’s to a good sem ahead

x Nat.

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