#094: what

packing up my clothes and stuff because i’m moving back to campus as a  S O P H O M O R E  tomorrow and i can already feel myself start to spin out and this is just a really shit feeling. like last year before orientation and all i was nervous/anxious to be on campus sure but i 100% looked forward to it and like qing has said time and again i don’t know what/why i’m dreading about going back to school but there is something.

and not knowing is just driving me crazier.

and i’d rather just be drunk at emerald hill with the ccsg girls leaning against coco and forgetting everything else again

part of me doesn’t really feel real – like i’m just some character in a made-up story like one of those dark-and-twisty ya novels i love so much and the pin is going to drop and either something awful is going to happen to me or i’m going to Magically Get Better and i just

not feeling real is a very strange sort of sensation that i don’t quite know how to put into words and i don’t really want to burden any of my friends with a stupid attempt at trying to explain the mess in my head – not even jo or mai or colleen even though they’d probably get it / at least be super nice and helpful about it

i just feel like i’m scrambling for something to hold on to or pull me back but there’s nothing there really isn’t anything except the weird prickling of almost-tears-to-come at the back of my head and i just

i am so so so nervous about starting this semester because i’ve just realized that i do have quite a bit (more, definitely, than last year) on my plate and i am so so uncertain of how i will handle it all and i cannot afford to flop at any one of them and i just

i want to throw everything away and retreat into the bottom of my bottle of gin and write shitty poems and read my books and pretend summer stretches on forever

i’m tired and confused and i feel very very unreal now

i don’t even know why i’m typing this post out (caleb, you really don’t have to text me. i’m fine and i wouldn’t know what else to say anyway so. it’s fine.) but yeah idk

maybe it’s good to keep this here so i can show it to joel when i inevitably crash and burn

why do i believe in so many things being inevitable anyway i don’t even believe in a god what the heckie

jesus christ what to do


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