#92: pretense

here in these deep city lights
girl could get lost tonight
i’m finding every reason to be gone
there’s nothing here to hold on to
could i hold you?

city // sara bareilles

had a lovelysad conversation with qing over lunch today, talking about how sometimes being in ync/around ync people can just be so so draining and demanding because you gotta make like Everything’s Fine! when it isn’t really and everyone pushes themselves so much to appear like overachievers and like they’ve got it all figured out when sometimes they’re falling apart beneath the surface too and idk

this need to pretend like everything’s okay, to put the gloss of still water over churning whirlpools and all is just so stressful and i don’t need to have to worry about that on top of the actual problems i’m having so

the idea of summer ending is really bittersweet because i’m excited for classes and for Spring Awakening to get started and for ballroom and i’m super super looking forward to having P again but

all of these things are so fuckin STRESSFUL even the things that began as fun/destressing activities – once i’m somewhat passable at them, the idea that i’m spending my very limited time on them makes me feel like i have to become amazing and that’s not always gonna happen

and i guess i’m going to try really hard not  to suffocate myself in the coming semester especially trying to balance a semi-overload + directing a hugeass musical

sigh.

 

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