#91: patience

“i do not want to have you
to fill the empty parts of me
i want to be full on my own
i want to be so complete
i could light a city
and then
i want to have you
cause the two of us combined
could set it on fire”

rupi kaur, milk and honey

this summer has been a lesson in self-control and learning how to be okay by myself.

especially since by some slip in my own planning i’ll be out for dinner celebrating a friend’s birthday when P’s getting ready to leave for Paris¬†which means i won’t be able to skype him and i know it’ll take a while for him to settle down there before i really cross his mind in any concrete sense

i realize that i’m very bad at being alone but i hate having to actively seek company too – i’ve been isolating myself a lot so far this summer because it really is just easier/simpler/less tiring but it means that the waves of my depression are starting to drown me again and it’s not a comfortable feeling

i don’t want to feel like i need people but it’s also painful to realize how un-needed i am and i guess i need to either become comfortable with it or find a way to avoid it entirely.

i will be okay on my own.