#087: physicality

i really do hate having body image issues – i thought i circumvented this already but it has come back to bite me one time too many recently and i just

i really do know that even though i do not always like/love my body, it loves me and it is strong enough to do what i ask of it

and even if it isn’t it is trainable and i do get better at things but i don’t seem to lose weight in the way that i want?

i’ve been struggling with appetite/eating enough recently because i really just don’t want to be that chubby girl on stage when everyone is slim and sleek and beautiful and i really just hate the way clothes pull at the unsightly softness of my tummy and my thighs

and the way i’m not glowy and taut like g or s or anyone really i just

i hate the way my thighs rub together when i walk or wearing certain clothes that leave just the wrong bits of flesh exposed or that just don’t hang right because they weren’t made for my body

i’ve been trying to avoid thinking about this but today Xun told me to go on a diet during dance and it really just killed me a little bit inside? i’ve never been disciplined enough for eating disorders but.. maybe now

i just always feel so unpretty and yes p tells me i’m beautiful and pretty and sexy and all the things that sound good but i can never bring myself to actually believe them for more than a single uncomplicated happy moment because

to me, i’m just not.

i’ve never been the pretty one the attractive one the one who turns heads the one who makes all the boys fall on their knees begging for

i don’t want to hate the body that has worked so hard to keep repairing itself and stay alive despite the relentless abuse i hurl at it but god, it is so difficult

i just want to be a size 2 and feel like i love my body but i don’t know if i can get there

jesus christ thinking about xun having to lift me / having to wear costumes for showcase gives me the worst anxiety i want to die i just want to bleed my demons out

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