#085: effervescence

so k and s came barging into my suite yesterday at about 11pm (while i was in the shower, no less) because i wasn’t sure if i could make time to hang with them in person -> they came to me so i couldn’t escape and

we kind of realized that there was something distinctly different this semester compared to last semester? for some reason we were all just tired and drained and sian but we didn’t know why and i guess it made me think about my conversation with aieshah

about how semester 1 of your freshman year is like summer camp: you’re thrown in the deep end of somewhere unfamiliar with about 200 other strangers and you’re all hyped for Something Big to Happen and A New Phase of Life that you’re just 110% on and happy and excited and ready to socialize all the damn time

and friendships get forged super quickly (some die quickly  as well but such is the nature of things having to withstand inevitable conflicts without a true foundation) because everyone needs someone to depend on in the labyrinth of college life and you really really believe that you love these people and you Absolutely Can’t Live Without ‘Em!! and you feel like best-friends-forever and you wonder why you’ve never been able to form friendships/meaningful bonds this deeply this quickly before

and everything is saccharine sweet and honey-gold and you feel so incredibly lucky to have found your people for life because that’s truly what it feels like and everything feels so unshakeable and sure

and then everyone breaks for winter

everyone goes home and you’re all apart but

you survive anyway? because that’s what you’ve been doing for twenty years and obviously you can and will keep doing that

but it’s so strange

after three and a half months of learning to grow around the curves of these other people in the bubble of college you are allowed to grow with no boundaries to keep you in a certain shape and you relish in the freedom of being able to do whatever the hell you want but then

everyone comes back again for spring semester and the puzzle pieces don’t fit as well as they did before?

and you feel like you need to hack off your own sharp edges to fit in the rounded curves of the others but truly truly you do not. you don’t need to rip yourself to shreds to fit into the arms of the people who love you because they will make room for you if you mean anything at all to them and you do not need to make sure all your edges line up anyway because you’re not spending your life siamese-twin-glued to this other person/people and everyone needs their space

and you just need to learn to be okay with not fitting like gears made to hold each other in place because this is not just a machine on a factory line

coming back from winter break, you realize finally that this isn’t camp – it seems very much like it, or it did at first, but it has become real life and your body is slowly coming down from the euphoric high of hypersensitization in the first semester and you might feel like you’re slowly losing steam or sliding down a ten-mile water slide of happiness into a pool of freezing despair??numbness?nothing?? but you’re only just getting re-conditioned to living life normally again

and that’s the most beautiful thing: the endless potential for adaptation because no matter how shitty it may feel, your body is fighting like hell to make sure you survive whatever comes at you and you need to trust that even subconsciously, your body knows what’s right

and yeah, it might feel like spring semester sucks after a brilliant fall semester but aren’t you glad you got to experience months that melted like rock sugar against the roof of your mouth?

the flowers will bloom again / just breathe and let life happen

x Natasha

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