#081: remembrance

’cause you know i don’t do sadness
not even a little bit
just don’t need it in my life
don’t want any part of it

– don’t do sadness / blue wind // spring awakening

had a nice long brunch with t today and i am so  so glad for low maintenance friendships and unconditional understanding that goes both ways and an intrinsic trust that we will not betray each other

it’s nice to know that sometimes someone close to you is going through the exact same things and while i wouldn’t wish this on anyone else… solidarity can feel so strangely comforting and i am glad to be able to talk about things and have someone understand me so completely. with people like s i am grateful for the listening and the time and effort spent trying to get it but… it gets frustrating having to explain but to no avail –

it’s like what jerald said in our lithum discussion on kafka:

there’s a cage that separates the artist and the viewer because you can never fully express/understand the information given to you

and even intrinsically, when creating or expressing your whatever it is difficult to get 100% of what you mean to say out on the paper / screen

i do hope everything works out

+ actually listened to aieshah and shamelessly emailed joel @ wellness to sort of schedule an appt because i know that when i am in the dark place and i need it i will not have the determination/conviction to do it and.. i should at least try before striking it off as a futile attempt at normalcy

i hope that he will tell me this is all teen angst and academic stress and that i will be over this in a bit but frankly… i am quite sure that’s not how it goes

i am scared of admitting my own feelings but aieshah says that it will get easier if i at least validate my own emotions so… i am trying to do that.

i am scared. i am tired. i am occasionally cranky and a bitch but there are reasons and i am allowed to feel bad and lash out sometimes as long as it is justified and not abusive and i just

i wish i had more control

i need to learn how to have more control

i wish everything will turn out okay for us all

good people deserve to live good lives

x  Natasha


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