#080: overwhelm

sometimes things just feel like too much all at once

it really is just everything –

grades and academic pressure and wanting to be better
wanting to be good enough
stress over where this relationship is going
stress over friendships falling together and falling apart over and over and over
either having not enough or too much of my family
not knowing where i stand
not knowing where i want to be
not knowing how to get anywhere
not knowing if i’m good enough to get to places i’d wanna be
not knowing in general

i hate this uncertainty

and knowing that the only thing i know for sure is i need to be better but i’m not enough yet and

i had lunch with aieshah the other day because i was on the brink of falling apart for the second time in a week and honestly that is a little too often for me to be able to dismiss it

she thinks it’s a good idea for me to go look for wellness centre but i honestly don’t want to be that “girl who has to go see a shrink” again i don’t want them to tell me that my issues lie in not validating my feelings and demanding too much of myself and having to learn not to resort to self-harm as a coping mechanism and

I KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEMS ARE, GODDAMN IT

i just don’t know how to get the fuck away from them and i am tired

i am tired of being broken and spoilt and unfixable

i am tired of not knowing how to circumvent or solve these problems

i am tired of needing to ask for help

i am tired of the help not actually helping

i am tired of constantly drowning

please

please give me a way out of this labyrinth

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