#079: february

oh february, you’ve been a month of tumult and chaos but i am thankful that you ended the way you did

here’s to a good month – one that’s drama-free and productive and please, dear god, let my heart stay full

01/02

began my month with a little prayer for things to stay good and i can’t say it stayed true throughout because it’s been a month riddled with fights and dark thoughts but the light at the end of the tunnel is here and my heart is full once more so yeah – tough times don’t last but tough people do

…maybe it’s just the tension of things left unsaid

04/02

i guess this month i also learnt that there is no point in trying to outrun the inevitable, whether they’re deadlines or duties or just very difficult conversations. trying to avoid a problem that you know is there only makes you hyper-aware of it and that makes it infinitely worse and i am glad that we have made the time and effort to talk things through every time

i realize that some days i ask a lot of you. and i used to want what [names redacted] had but they’re not together anymore while we’re still going and it’s sobering to know that sometimes the big gestures are not necessary. i should stop making this what i think it should look like and just focus on living it

12/02

i was really struggling with my own expectations/perceptions especially on the days i felt disappointed but i think sometimes it’s important to not lose sight of reality + to stop measuring our own lives against the brief sketches we get to see of other people. expectations can be very toxic and one should be aware of that but also if you know that you deserve more please ask for it or get the hell out of there because you shouldn’t shortchange yourself either.

knowing that friends like szu have my back through everything… this means everything to me.

18/02

especially in a residential program like ync where i hardly get time to sit down and talk with my family when i’m having problems – i have realized how important it is to have a really solid support system with friends and i am incredibly, incredibly grateful to have found that in the people who will listen to me rant and check up on me and just make sure i’m at least borderline-sane.

it honestly did feel good going out and drinking/dancing again – very ‘fuck-it’ and just v relaxing in general. i like losing myself in the bass heartbeat of the music and the thrum of the crowd

but missing you still tastes like vodka burning down the back of my throat

24/02

this was probably one of the most nerve-wracking weeks and i decided to indulge in a little escapism/debauchery by heading out for ladies’ night at clarke quay with some friends i trusted to get me back home in one piece. and after last semester, i thought i was done and bored of clubbing but i think it was exactly what i needed to stop obsessing over stupid problems i couldn’t fix at that precise moment and it was just strange to find that something so bad for me was actually good for my mental health

super super blessed with good grades for qr yey what a lovely way to end the month

29/02

i honestly do enjoy these monthly recaps because it forces me to reflect on the arc of my own growth/progress in this short time. and for today, it’s good to end the month on a good note, having basically settled most of the problems that plagued my february. this has been a month of hurt and healing, and of self discovery and growth and i’m just glad to have found some closure

i hope your february’s been great too; here’s too a lovely march as well

much love

x Nat

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