#067: nineteen

it is now twenty minutes past midnight on my birthday and i’ve been staring at this screen for forty minutes and i guess i just wanted to recollect my thoughts on the past year?

it’s been nineteen years in orbit around the same yellow sun and it feels like everything and nothing has changed all at once

i have grown and regressed and fluctuated between two poles of sanity/mental health and all i can say is that i’ll never be 100% but i’m definitely no worse for wear? some things are meant to be weathered by storms and i guess humans are one of those; it’s never pleasant but it’s always a learning experience which is all you can ask from life because you can never be promised smooth waters all the way

i guess the most important thing i’ve learnt this year (especially since starting university) is that you don’t have to have everything figured out. some people do, some people think they do and some have no idea at all but we’re all on our way there and i guess we all fall into our paths eventually so don’t fret over it too much?

i like having control over my circumstances but there is a part of my heart that subscribes pretty heavily to the idea of fate and destiny? and everything happening for a reason? i know it’s kind of irrational but i just like knowing that there’s a plan for me written in the stars somewhere.

this year i guess i’ve been blessed with welcoming new friends into my heart and watching some faded old ones leave; and the real lesson here is that you can’t lock people who don’t want to stay in your life forever. letting them go when they want to is much much easier on your tired heart so don’t ever feel like it’s your fault when you lose someone – sometimes you just grow apart and that’s okay.

i guess i’ve learned to make my peace with the things that used to haunt my sleepless nights: my mediocrity, my anxiety, losing people, feeling unloved/unlovable, my negativity etc.

it’s not been easy but i guess i have my support system (and copious amounts of baked chocolatey delights) to thank for all this?

here’s to another good year circling the sun wew happy birthday to meeee

x Natasha

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