#065: constancy

i am actually handling being home (and being away from all the anchors to my sanity) much better than i thought i would with the exception of going a little stir-crazy

i’ve been baking and planning meetups and planning to exercise/play drums/read a lot more because i feel like i just need to keep myself busy but all i’ve really been doing is binge-watching the shows we used to watch together and

this is not good.

i am handling being away from you okay but i’m not sure if i should just make myself accustomed to the feeling of waiting to talk to you when you’re gone or just completely pull myself off the grid but

i will be okay.

we will be okay.

we will be okay because we’ve talked about this; we will be okay because we communicate and we talk about things that bother us and this matters enough for both of us to make an effort and because i care about you (and i hope the same is true for you) and because¬†if faith is half the battle won, we can really consider this half secured by now

thank you for always helping me feel like things are normal again.

i guess part of me is afraid that i want change and control over my circumstances too much to settle down and put my heart/life in the hands of another but you have stressed to me the importance of stability and normalcy and constancy for you and i guess the idea of a stable home base, whether physical or metaphorical, sounds really lovely especially when it’s with you

i like things to be in flux and always exciting and i hate being bored which is why i do things like color my hair purple or wear bright pillarbox-red lipstick to class when there’s absolutely no need to and make crazy colored desserts for the heck of it but…. i guess as long as we can still find the excitement on stable ground this will all work out

(and i can’t say the idea of constantly having you around when i want/need you is entirely unpleasant)

(i’m joking)

(i would love that)

ENOUGH CHEESE FOR TODAY ¬†i’m going to post my grasshopper pie recipe tomorrow when my eyes aren’t fighting to stay closed so goodnight sleep well!!

x Natasha

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