#063: remission

so it’s been a strange couple of days working on the final dregs of academic burdens this college semester and i’ve really been forced to think about how much i have changed over the course of a few short months

and i guess i’m not sure how conclusive my own perceptions are but here’s a few things i think have happened

  1. i’ve become a lot more confident of many aspects of myself [e.g. my face/voice/subpar acting/work etc.]
  2. i’ve become a lot more okay with being mediocre/not being as good as i want to be yet because
  3. i’ve started working harder to achieve the things that are important to me
  4. i’ve been able to channel my love for the people around me into productive outlets
  5. i’ve become comfortable acknowledging my feelings for people even if i do get attached and invested far more quickly than is safe
  6. i’ve become comfortable with myself as a person and yeah, there are still days i find myself confused or dissociated and i break down and cry for a bit but eventually i find my center and that has helped a lot with surety

so much has happened this week/semester and i am incredibly thankful for everyone around me for supporting me through this; this goes especially for

  • short plays showcase – aka the first time i’ve acted on stage
  • little shop of horrors – aka the first time i’ve seen a production built from scratch
  • buttery nonsense – aka learning how to work with friends/acquaintances
  • si/ppt seminars – aka the loveliest classmates/friends and profs i could’ve asked for; i’m going to miss you guys so much omg especially staring at seal be gross in class, going for llao with keith jobozzy and qien, being distracted and facebook stalking/warring with caleb and keith etc.

i want to work on becoming a better me next semester: this means

  • more balance
  • pushing myself more in the activities i’ve chosen to commit to
  • pushing myself out of my comfort zone
  • pushing myself more academically – i need to do better
  • trying to find my focus/purpose/MAJOR LOL
  • finding balance in my social life especially with finding alone time to breathe

being reflective always makes me feel bittersweet sadhappy anxious mostly but a buzzing sort of calm? i can’t wait for next sem because if this one’s been anything to go by i’m going to have a roller-coaster of a time and i cannot wait.

now on to more concrete things –

i just came back a while ago from dinner with patrick & his aunt which has been the biggest source of stress for me since the end of submissions and idk i was so worried that my chinese would trip up/be insufficient or that she wouldn’t like me and i think my insecurities play a huge part in this because i’m not sure what she wants to see and i don’t want to pretend to be someone i’m not just to garner someone’s approval and

i’m just glad it went okay

i’m glad i went through it all with you right beside me being all calm and reassuring and sweet and laughing at all my jokes even though they were terrible

i’m glad you’re always you no matter what and you were really my anchor tonight when i had no idea what to do or say or how to act and everything else was shifting and unsure and

i’m just really thankful to have you now (and yes, when they told me that you said your high of the year/sem was me at thanksgiving dinner the first response in my heart was that it was the same for me too)

you bring out the best in me and you make me want to be better and you accept everything about me as i am anyway and these are all platitudes but somehow they seem real and honest in describing things for us and i just

i am so relieved.

i am glad that she likes me – now it’s one down, one to go because you’re gonna meet my parents (and my sisters and basically virtually everyone important to me) at sunday’s dinner

thank god for you; thank god for this

somehow, it’s exactly what i needed this time

x Natasha

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