#062: serenity

there is a strange sort of peace that comes with the most unexpected of things

what you’d expect to be a frenetic morning after waking up at 6 o’clock is actually a quiet respite from the noise of a residential university campus because it’s always everyone, everywhere, you can’t turn a corner without seeing someone else and it’s always talking talking talking so much talking but the sweet hum of silence at 6 in the morning as the sun dyes the edges of cotton candy clouds pink is so very, very good for my parched soul

it’s been a long time since i’ve been content to just sit somewhere and be still and quiet for a while because it always feels like there’s something to do or write or someone to talk to and this morning i was so thankful to have a couple minutes to sit and breathe at the area outside elm buttery while waiting for caleb and sean

the erratic skip-jump of my heart has finally slowed enough for me to be comfortable walking a little slower and talking a little slower and pausing to savor each sliver of a moment rather than swallowing it whole and rushing on to the next one like time is finite (yes i know it really is but sometimes it’s easier to behave like you have all the time in the world)

there’s something strangely satisfying about peering out of the window on the 17th floor and watching the steel-gray storm clouds roll in across the expanse of sky that sits comfortably above the skyline of overcrowded high-rises and i think it’s just the knowledge that seeing a storm coming from afar gives you time to prepare for it / i am safe from whatever’s out there when i’m under this roof and in your arms / always, always safer with you

it’s things like this that help to soothe the frenzied chattering of voices inside me; the clamoring of little anxieties and insecurities and inanities rattling around the hollow of my ribs, screaming so loud they send knives no not knives just silver-sharp ribbons against my skin – they are finally starting to quiet down and i am. so. so thankful. for this reprieve.

you can’t run from your demons forever but you can make your peace with them and sit them down and feed them what you need to to make sure they’re sated (this is what i was talking about with carissa; this is how i manage)

the rain is starting in little bursts of sprinkles and i cannot wait until it is absolutely storming – there is something about being drenched in the rain that makes me feel like everything is washed clean (no, taylor swift, you’re not the first or last person to think this way)

it’s almost like a cleansing, a baptism; renewal 

and i cannot wait.

x Natasha


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