#059: twilight

twilight, n.
a period or state of obscurity, ambiguity, or gradual decline

life has been getting more complicated lately and i honestly miss the happyfreenua times of september when we were all at the start of this ungraded sem and so sure of ourselves and each other and our relationships and i guess all this sem has taught me is that everything does fall apart and the universe tends towards chaos but that doesn’t mean you can just stop trying to hold everything together

sometimes the road is dark and scary but all you need to do is grip each other’s hands a little tighter and walk on till the sun comes up again

i am endlessly, endlessly grateful for friends who believe in me and stick with me through my moods and crises and who help me figure out my problems with a) food b) good talks and c) a splash of vodka because last night with juxian justin and szu was so good

it’s been so long since we drank just to chill and talk because all we’ve been doing lately is blitzing through drinks and going out clubbing and i’ve really just missed this ability to get a little tipsy and become unabashedly honest; some problems can only be addressed when it’s pitch black outside and you’re buzzing with the warmth of at least four shots because there’s no real need to be this honest with yourself and everyone else otherwise, yknow?

but i really did appreciate justin’s advice (which he texted to me way after i left): don’t be afraid of what is real.

i need to stop panicking and i need to start trusting myself and you and us and this and that someone up there does have a plan for me and that this is part of it

i need to stop my own self-destructive tendencies because i’m no longer only going to hurt myself and there’s no need for my paranoia to have this much collateral damage tied to it

i need to figure out my mental health real soon.

turning and turning in the widening gyre
the falcon cannot hear the falconer;
things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
the blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
the ceremony of innocence is drowned;
the best lack all conviction, while the worst
are full of passionate intensity.

w.b. yeats, the second coming

x Natasha

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