#057: trepidation

i’m not sure exactly what it is but i guess now that sem 1 is almost over i realize that i’m not exactly thriving in this place / i’m not drowning yet but it’s definitely not as easy as i’d like it to be

i’ve always been afraid of failing and underperforming and disappointing those who are important to me and i guess in a community as small and exclusive as this one i am afraid of looking like i’m falling short of the standards/inferior as well

and especially now that i have you – you, with your analytical critical mind and crazy high expectations for yourself and everyone around you; you, with the brutally honest opinions that weigh this heavily on my heart – i am worried that i am not (or that i am never going to be) enough for you. it doesn’t make sense: how could someone like you be happy with someone like me? i’m sure you’d like me to be more and i do want to be better i’m just not sure i know how; i’m not sure i would like being that person and right now you’re worth enough for me to want to give it a shot but what if i turn my internal world upside down for you and it’s all for naught in the end?

i will not smash the walls that i have built up before your arms feel like home.

i will not leave myself marooned alone in a sea of self doubt.

i will not i will not i will not

i will not let this trepidation take over; i will find my way out of this endless labyrinth even though it is pitch dark right now; i will find a way to get some light in here even if i have to burn pieces of myself or the ties that bind me to people; i will survive

i will survive.

i have to.

 

//edit

it’s been a while since i’ve had a full-blown emotional breakdown in the middle of my day and oh god, i can’t believe i’m considering revisiting all my old demons coping mechanisms again; desperate times do call for desperate measures BUT fear not friends i didn’t bring any means to harm myself to college (apart from the lighter i acquired after doing front-of-house for little shop) siiiigh i just want everything to be okay why am i constantly flickering between imploding and exploding why are my choices to hurt myself or the ones around me why can’t i be normal and human and sane why am i so hell-bent on destruction why can’t i just LET IT ALL GO why do i implicate people in my messes

why do i get attached to people when i know my emotional hurricanes will blow these relationships to bits anyway why why why

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