#051: risk

anything that is worth something comes with risks,
or else the reward means nothing at all.

that’s a quote from the play i performed with sean cham at Fifth Wall’s short play showcase – In Short.

i mean, a lot of the play’s themes resonated with me even though a) i’m not malay, b) i’m not coming out to my mother as gay and c) i don’t have a child who’s coming out to me as gay but it deals a lot in validation and the apprehension in entering committed relationships both on the part of the person in it and the concerned observer, in this case his mother.

i guess with this play and life in general and our more serious conversation earlier this week i am really thinking more realistically/deeply about what it means or takes to be in a relationship because i’ve never been serious about this/anyone before in the past (considering the fact that i’m not even 19 yet) but… yeah.

I’m really starting to weigh how much this means to me and it’s quite alarming how much more it is, compared to anyone and everyone I’ve liked/loved/whatever before and this is sort of scary but also I’m glad because this means I’m actually more likely to really give a fuck and with these things I feel like as long as both sides are equally invested in keeping things together they will work out eventually. 

It’s the first time in a long time that I’m not thinking about the seemingly inevitable expiration date I’ve become used to attaching to my relationships because I don’t think the curse holds true with this and I actually do want to be with you because you make me happy and not purely loneliness or need/desire for validation or whatnot 

Maybe haz is right and I do need to stop thinking about this. 

What even was my point here lol. 

Thank you for reading my own internal conflicts and rambles sigh

x Natasha

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