#034: drown

well, i’m so tired of the rain
falling softly on the ground
just enough to get my feet wet
but not enough to let me drown

drown // front porch step

after trying for so long to convince everyone around me and myself that i’ve got everything under control and i’m keeping my head safely above water, i think it’s finally time for me to admit that i’m starting to drown

honestly, this place can be so stifling sometimes because there are so many of the same type of people and they also tend to assume initially that you’re one of them if you seem similar enough and this isn’t entirely a bad thing – at least they don’t immediately classify you as other and inferior and worse but then they start saying things that don’t sit well with you because your life has never allowed you to think and see things the way they do and it can be so frustrating

and obviously once you’re upset it’s very difficult to keep things from going downhill even faster because you start to blame yourself for being overly sensitive and releasing all that pent-up rage inwards so you implode rather than rain shrapnel on the fragile threads of newly formed friendships

at what point do you stop tiptoeing around everyone like each tie is porcelain hanging on the edge of a cliff because i am really fricking tired of trying so hard not to offend anyone even though they just need to learn that some things shouldn’t be said (at least, not in the way they say it)

my mental health is really suffering right now and i feel like i should really go and look for Joel or Claudia or just someone i can talk to about this but everyone who knows is either too busy or not really close enough for me to feel comfortable taking up their time with something so stupid

god, some demons really don’t leave you alone no matter how long it feels like you’ve had to shake them. since a’s have ended i don’t think i’ve felt this sort of mental fatigue and i’ve largely been able to find the time and space to decompress but it’s like a permanently on pressure cooker here and it’s starting to take a toll on me

i guess i can start to see the signs of myself losing grip on these doors that’ve been jammed shut for a while and i don’t want the floodgates to spring open but even though i can feel it coming i don’t know how to stop it and that is honestly the most frustrating part

i don’t buy into the whole prince-charming-rescues-damsel-in-distress story but i really also don’t know how to save myself and i just hope i figure it out sometime soon

i hope you have a lovely week and that your mental health is not compromised as well, stay strong friends!!

x Natasha

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