#021: musings

i’ve spent quite a number of hours alone in the past couple of days whether by choice or by circumstance and these are just a few stray thoughts i’ve penned down that i’d like to record (for posterity’s sake?? to track my sanity?? idk.) some are quotes i’ve heard people say, some are lyrics from the songs i’ve been listening to and some are just wisps of thoughts that flit through my head so yes enjoy this haphazard dump of words

learn to be comfortable with screwing up and falling short.
you cannot always be perfect, but you can always improve.

this was something i wrote during the talk on the common curriculum and i just feel like in light of the intensive studying that we will soon be engaging in i need to remind myself that it’s not necessary to always remain at the front of the pack. it’s not worth wearing out my physical and mental health just to always seem like i’m on top of things and sometimes, the best thing you can do is to stop and breathe.

where you have gaps, others have strengths
& where others have gaps, you have strengths

this is something one of the deans/main lecturers also said and it ties in quite nicely with what i said above. it’s important to not get caught up in the sense of competing to be the brightest and best in this pressure cooker of talent and intellect but instead, learn from others and help others learn from the best of you as well.

you are here to be challenged.

the next couple of days/weeks/months/years are not meant to be a walk in the park; that is not what you’re here for. you are here – you chose to be here – so that you could stretch and grow and learn and you mustn’t forget or regret this decision.

don’t allow yourself to become distracted with meaningless pursuits.
find your focus and keep it.

this is pretty self-explanatory. just remember that your time is valuable and you should only spend it on things that will be worth it in some way or form when you look back on your life.

there is a sort of serenity that comes with sitting in the windy sky garden alone with my music, my book and my thoughts. the semblance of performative socialization is absent and for the first time in a long time, i am unabashedly me, with absolutely no desire for company or external validation.

i am at peace.

this is from this morning at 10:16am, when most of my suitemates had not yet returned and i decided to sit at the sky garden on the 16th floor alone to finish up Ally Condie’s Atlantia, which is a book about sirens (i am so obsessed with sirens.) and i was just enjoying being alone-but-not-lonely, which is something i don’t feel a lot.

you’re just a daydream away
i wouldn’t know what to say if i had you
and i’ll keep you a daydream away
just watch from a safe place
so i never have to lose

this is daydream away by all time low, one of my absolute favorite bands. this song is a lot more chill than most of their music and it always just makes me feel so wistful and… idk i just love it 🙂

love is a funny thing.
it’s always so much easier to fall without thinking about the consequences when you never expect it to be requited.

my fickle, fickle heart has not yet learnt to rein itself in and i don’t want to hurt anyone.

honestly, it’s very refreshing to be content being alone. for so long, i have not been comfortable with my own thoughts – whether it’s because i did not love myself enough or whatever and that made me so much more vulnerable to depending on the company and opinions of others in order to dampen these fraying threads of self-doubt. i know this shouldn’t be the aim – that i should accept and embrace this subtle change for what it is alone – but i guess it makes it easier for me to love and be loved for who i am now, and i am glad.

i shall end on this semi-positive note because it’s 2am and i need to sleep.

g’night 🙂

x Natasha

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