#019: persecution

okay it’s way too late for me to do a huge Laos / orientation update but i do have some things i need to get off of my mind before i can sleep peacefully

i went down to the Saga laundry room & buttery to chill tonight when i was washing my clothes and waiting for them to dry and i brought my Nook and my earpieces+phone and everything in preparation for a really long night of just straight up chilling by myself reading but that didn’t exactly go according to plan

when i arrived, Jamin and David Zhang were playing pool with Zhixin just chilling and watching and i thought¬†hey, that looks p chill. i wouldn’t mind chilling with them so i just sat and read my book but then the conversation turned to how Zhixin’s suite has a strictly no-boys-overnight rule which is oddly harsh and bordering on unintentional slut-shaming and already i was like….. wow, i forgot that even people in this school can be judgmental and unnecessarily critical of others’ life choices even when those choices don’t affect them in the slightest.

now, i was already slightly unnerved by the ongoing conversation so i decided that i didn’t want to stir anymore shit & i decided to shut up but little did i know that that was only the beginning.

there was a lot more that happened but i’m not going to go into names and stories because that’s unnecessary gossip that will not add value to my perspective anyway and i’d honestly rather refrain from propagating such ideas and thoughts.

but yeah. i didn’t realize (or rather, i tried to forget) that people here are the same as anyone i could’ve met on the streets of Singapore: they can be two-faced, judgmental, gossipy, brutally critical and more and i’m honestly quite scared of this phenomenon i’ve noticed because if they can be so nice and lovely to others in person then tear them to shreds behind their back, am i really safe?

that’s probably not what i should be taking out of this whole experience – i should be reflecting on the way we have never been able to escape this human toxicity even in the most benign of environments with the constant reassurance that we¬†will not judge each other – but instead i’m just extremely afraid that one day the tables will turn on me too because everyone is just so great at switching tunes and lying at the drop of a hat.

i might be taking this a little too seriously – no one could possibly be 100% lovely and accepting of everything everyone else around them does but at least try to be a little less deceptive and hypocritical sometimes?

i just wish i could continue believing in the strength and beauty of the human spirit but with every passing day i just notice how much more and more it’s been tarnished by “the real world“.

god, this is so frustrating.

x Natasha

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