#011: anxiety

so it’s the night before move-in and in less than twelve hours i will be sitting in my new room on the 18th floor of a building i’ve only ever seen once and that will be the first of many changes that herald the start of this new phase of my life

and i know i’ve been preparing for this forever and the face that i was even able to get into yale-nus should mean that i will be sufficiently equipped to handle what’s coming but the truth is… i am really, really scared.

i’ve never been one who adjusts well to changes and the knowledge that however i feel tomorrow, i’ve been thrown into the deep end and i won’t be able to get out for the next four years. the finality is startling because every decision i have made (after plenty of guidance from all sorts of authority figures around me) has been leading to this moment of “entering university” because to traditional singaporean parents, A’s is one of the biggest and most final milestones before we are classified as adults, free to finally make our own choices because, well, we’re all grown up now.

for the longest time i was pushing myself to work hard for this sole reason – because i really just wanted to taste this almost-complete freedom. but now that i’m this close, i think i’m getting cold feet because all i want is to turn the clock back to a time where none of my decisions, actions or thoughts would have a concrete impact on the rest of my life.

this trepidation will probably seem absolutely meaningless and even a little bit silly to me once i’ve settled in but… it’s a completely valid feeling to have, i guess.

here’s hoping for some solid anchors to keep me grounded on this new phase of my life; thank god i’m not going at it alone.

see you on the flipside

x Natasha

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